1. They Don't Listen!

No — young children generally do not "listen," as in reliably obey voice commands in a timely manner, especially commands given from across the room. Children are not Echo Dots. Understanding the reasons for this, and learning not to take it personally, is the first step.

2. The Reticent Parent’s Guide to Limit Setting

The next step is figuring out what to do about that. This is, to me, the magic sauce of parenting. It's what prevents us from veering into either authoritarian or permissive parenting, both of which are damaging to the parent-child relationship, to child development and mental health, and to our own sanity.

3. There's No Trying in Limit Setting

More on holding limits, which doesn't mean asking or nagging or threatening or bribing or punishing. It means holding. Along with figuring out which limits are worth holding and which limits actually can be held.

4. A Persistent Myth: Responding to Distress

"So you just ignore your kids when they are upset?" No, you do not. You don't necessarily have to rush in and try to "fix" everything immediately and "calm them down." But it is possible to hold calm, loving space and give your child a chance to learn emotional regulation from you. Holding space feels VERY DIFFERENT to a child than being ignored. It's subtle but profound. Think about how you'd feel if a friend sat and let you weep in their loving presence when you were having a tough time, vs. a friend who had a vibe like, "Are you done yet? I'm so ready for you to grow up and be more mature! You're so annoying when you're like this." One is healing. The other makes you feel much worse. Also consider offering a calm, welcoming, hearty "prodigal son" hug as soon as the tough emotions have passed through, even if they triggered the heck out of you. Generally speaking, consider treating your melting down kid the way you'd treat a good friend going through something rough. Not least because you know very well that if your friend freaks out about something "minor," there's probably more going on than that minor thing.

5. If I could Just Make them Understand!

You don't have to negotiate with your kids about a limit you've decided to hold. You can always decline an invitation to argue endlessly. And it doesn't have to involve the words, "Because I said so!" We should strive to be confident leaders, which means having confidence in our decisions and following through. Good leaders can also be flexible when flexibility is called for, of course. But don't beat yourself up for ending a discussion cheerfully and firmly once the decision has been made.

6. They Need to Know it's Wrong

They know. That's not the problem. Most of the time, it's a developmentally-appropriate lack of impulse control that's to blame. Hence the importance of setting and holding appropriate limits.

7. Model Graciousness

"My kids are disrespectful oafs who won't do chores!" Sound familiar? Read on! And try to keep an open mind...

8. Down the Rabbit Hole — A Mindfulness Exercise

When you find yourself freaking out about something related to parenting, read this one again. And ask yourself: What am I actually afraid of?

9. Parenting the Child You Have

Comparison is the thief of joy. If it seems like "all the other kids" are doing something you wish your child would or could, first of all, you have no idea what goes on behind closed doors. Second, you have exactly the child(ren) you have, and no others. So what other kids are doing doesn't really matter at all.

10. What is a Lens Shift Anyway?

This one explains how vastly your relationship with your kids can change when some of this stuff finally clicks. It certainly has for me.

More Favorite Posts

1. Putting Development First

One genius thing about this approach is that it is steeped in a deep understanding of child development. It is vitally important to understand this so that you don't, for example, get freaked out when your four-year-old acts exactly like a four-year-old.

2. On Being Strengths-Based

There are times, of course, when children genuinely have issues or disabilities, and they need professional help. But it's a lot less often than many parents think. Much of the time, understanding child development better, and/or altering your way of thinking and parenting, is more than sufficient. I speak as someone with a "spirited" first child who probably would have ended up on meds if I hadn't found Visible Child. With their guidance, and without interventions or medications, my son is now a very well-adjusted and generally cooperative, if still quite sensitive, 6-year-old.

3. Toilet Training in One Simple Step

Everyone has their own take on this controversial topic. This one worked well for us.

4. Limit Setting: Grabbing

More on the magic of setting and holding limits.

5. Hitting: It Depends

Please rest assured: Your child is probably not a violent sociopath. Hitting should not be allowed, of course, but it does happen. Here are some ways to think about it.

6. Peeing: It's a Control Thing

Is your child peeing in inappropriate places even though "they know better"? Read on.

WORKING ON OUR OWN STUFF

So much of what we find annoying or even unbearable about parenting comes from our own childhood wounds. Kids come to us with their humanity so beautifully intact, so wild and self-loving and open to messily questioning all the things we think are settled, it can be overwhelming and deeply triggering. They find and push every button we have, to the point that sometimes it feels like they were custom designed to torture us. In fact, they are just showing us the triggers that were already there. (This is why they say children are our greatest teachers. But they don't say how brutally hard those lessons can be!)

Having a "spirited" first child forced me to either find a way to break his spirit or find a way to enlarge my own. For that I will always be grateful to him — and massively grateful to Robin Einzig and the rest of the team at Visible Child for showing me the way.

I've also used healing modalities such as therapy, Internal Family Systems practice, meditation retreats, and occasional plant medicine to help me get into the shadow spaces so that they don't keep invisibly running much of my life. I no longer feel guilty about taking time and space to fill my own cup so that I can be there in a much better way for my family when I am with them. I'm also showing them what it's like to be a healthy and whole adult. It's a deep and dangerous shame in our culture that so many of these healing modalities are out of reach for a lot of people.

That said, the book No Bad Parts is the best $14 I've ever spent on my healing. Other wonderful books like The Untethered Soul and The Power of Now are most likely available at your local library. And I've gotten a huge amount of free benefit from Youtube. Two early videos that inspired my healing journey were Tim Ferriss interviews, one with Dr. Gabor Mate, and one with Dr. Richard Schwartz (founder of IFS), both trauma experts. (Trauma doesn't have to be something that would get an abuser put in jail. A lack of psychological needs getting met can get embedded in our bodies as trauma.) There are also genuinely good Facebook groups where people of like mind trade tips about parenting and healing, such as Visible Child. (Robin Einzig, the founder, also does consultations.)

Much love to you all — neither healing nor parenting is for the faint of heart. But parenting can certainly turbo-boost the (need for) the healing journey!